This weekend was a whirlwind of fun and lolita activities. I missed out on a very lovely tea with a lot of girls in the area, but did find a way to keep myself occupied in the meantime. A friend of mine has been continually reminding me that she owns a Hello Kitty waffle maker, which is basically one of the greatest things ever invented even though it isn’t a high-quality appliance. So Saturday, since I couldn’t attend the tea party with everyone else (the upcoming Dolpa, which I finally registered for yesterday, has made my pocketbook cry) I took her up on her offer and went over for waffles.
I carefully selected my outfit, styled my hair, and prepared to leave; everything was going well. Yet for some reason, when I locked the door behind me I felt afraid. Every step towards the train station made me nervous, despite the fact that I’ve worn lolita fashion in public alone for years. Sometimes, negativity gets the better of me and makes me ashamed and nervous about being myself. Before I started wearing lolita fashion I was extremely shy and perpetually frightened of just about everything. Finding the courage to wear clothing that wasn’t “accepted” brought me a skill that has impacted my entire life in a positive way.
Then sometimes, experience seems to melt away and I feel like I’m going out for the first time again, worrying fretfully about what strangers might say or do. There’s no easy way to deal with that kind of anxiety, but I refuse to let it get the better of me. I like myself more when I’m not terrified needless of everything around me. I have more fun and enjoy a more fulfilling life if I’m not holed up in my room. I want to wear my frilly clothing while enjoying the other things I like to do.
I absolutely adore the movie Dune, and recently read the novel by Frank Herbert. (Although I couldn’t come up with a sufficient connection to write a book review about it here~) Whenever I am afraid of something I always think of the often-repeated quote that states:
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
In the book this is the Bene Gesserit “Litany Against Fear,” but it has a practical application even if you aren’t trapped in a moisture-deprived planet amidst possibly-hostile native peoples after the assassination of most of your family and closest friends while different warring political powers seek to destroy or control you for powers you may-or-may-not be bred to have. n_~
The thing that makes me most uncomfortable when I’m wearing lolita fashion are not whispers or shouted commentary, but laughter. Sometimes I will walk past someone or they will walk past me, and immediately I’ll hear a chorus of laughter. I always think they are laughing at me, and although I don’t value the opinion of a random stranger, I feel ridiculed and embarrassed. There’s a human tendency to assume that everyone else is paying attention to you and notices every mistake you make, since you notice it, but usually this is not the case and others don’t notice at all. However, it’s very hard not to notice something like lolita fashion, so I worry that my suspicions are correct.
But even if I am correct, it shouldn’t matter to me. I don’t want to limit myself to wearing lolita fashion only where no-one else might judge me. I don’t want to hide. So, even on those types of days, I look straight ahead and walk confidently–even if that confidence is entirely pretended. I’m very glad that I didn’t run back inside and change my clothes, because although I would have avoided the confused or disdainful stares, muffled commentary shouted from passing cars, and real or imaginary chuckles, I would have missed the broad smile and exclamation of “Look at your bad self!” when I stepped off the train near my destination.
There may come a day when I won’t wear lolita fashion, so I want to make it count and enjoy the most of it while I can!