I haven’t forgotten about this place, not in the slightest. In fact, I think guiltily of the fact that I haven’t posted in months on a very, very regular basis. Usually when I’m very close to a keyboard. I chide myself and think, “Bad, bad Alice! You haven’t written anything in so long. You should do that soon!” and immediately procrastinate it away. More than writer’s block, I feel like I’ve had “creative block” since November.
I tried my hand at participating in NaNoWriMo this past November. I’ve always enjoyed writing, and I’ve often entertained the thought of writing some kind of work. Not necessarily a novel, but something complete. I’ve started many stories and other writing projects, but other than assignments from school I’ve only ever finished one story. It’s embarrassing to think of how many times I’ve failed at something that is merely a personal goal. I don’t want to be published in any way; I would just like to have a finished product. My husband writes much more seriously than I ever have, with dreams of being a writer. He’s finished entire epics. I thought that maybe if we both participated, some of that determination would rub off on me and keep me on track. I think I fail because I actually get scared of succeeding. Isn’t that silly?
We were actually both doing pretty well when we tried. I plotted the daily targets necessary to hit the 50,000 word goal and worked diligently towards them. I aimed to write a certain amount per day to allow myself a cushion for a few days off if necessary, and it worked. For several days I was well above track, then a few days of no input. I had even managed to make up the “days off” and get back to a word count as if I had worked through all of the passed days at my intended pace. On day 16 I was right on target.
Unfortunately, November turned out to be a month with quite a few unexpected things happening with my extended family. I stopped paying attention to the writing goal when I tried to focus on everything else. Honestly, I don’t really regret this–the other things were much more important. I do wish I could have kept up with both NaNoWriMo and the other important things, but I picked the one that was much dearer to me. When I stopped, I knew that I wouldn’t make the goal at the end of the month. However, I didn’t quite expect to entirely stop most of the creative things I had been doing. I never seemed to catch up after that.
Admittedly, I hadn’t exactly been writing here before November, either! If I’m going to blame something–and I am–it would be my camera. I like having pictures to accompany my posts unless I’m going to write some kind of essay. Photos are fun, particularly for something as visual as lolita fashion~ ♥ In the late summer I finally upgraded my camera to something new; I’d been using the same camera since 2006. I’d been borrowing a DSLR from a friend, but as much as I loved it I wasn’t able to upgrade to one of my own. Instead, I was lucky enough to receive a new point-and-shoot camera as a present. Unfortunately, the camera and I just don’t get along. It isn’t a terrible camera, and many other people are using it without experiencing the intensely frustrating ordeal that I do every time I turn the darn thing on, but the fact that I am makes me never want to use it. I’ve had months to get used to its little quirks (my previous camera wasn’t exactly devoid of odd little “requirements”), and I just can’t handle it. I can’t exactly replace it, because I’m still holding out to get my very own DSLR. (Still saving, little by little!) At the same time, I can’t really live with it. I’m trying, but every time I turn it on I feel like I’m being taunted. I’ve tried going back to the old camera, but I’m reminded that the new camera sometimes behaves and has better focus. So I go back and try again, only to be irritated when every picture I’ve taken is so out of focus, blurred, and awkward that everything on the memory card is trash.
No pictures, coupled with little inspiration, equals no updating. The worst part is that the longer I haven’t updated here, the less and less inclined I am to do so. It doesn’t seem so bad to wait “a little bit longer” when it’s already been so long! It’s really terrible behavior. x_x I’m trying to procrastinate less. I’ve got a new planner and I’m trying to jot things down and check them off. (I do so love checking things off~!)
Oooh, look, an actual picture. This was from a brief moment of collaboration between the camera and I. I’ve become a huge fan of Shinzi Katoh’s design work.
I have so much that I really do want to write about. I haven’t taken a heck of a lot of outfit snaps lately or even in the past few months, but I’ve still been wearing, thinking, watching, enjoying, and purchasing. I wore lolita on the first day of the new year to start it off right. I bought a lucky pack that wasn’t terribly unlucky–usually lucky packs and me are nearly enemies. I’ve encountered many more strangers who actually know in some vague way that what I’m wearing is a fashion, not a costume. I’ve been thinking about the friends I have who have moved on to other styles and how that impacts our friendship when it started in our local lolita community. Those are only a few things that I’ve been meaning to sit down and sort through.
Rather than thinking about doing it or dreaming about doing it, I’m going to actually do it. Starting now. Not really as any kind of resolution for the new year, but because I don’t want to waste any more time. ★
I hope that everyone has had a really wonderful 2011, and that 2012 is even better! ♥